Had a weird day today, and the day before actually. I feel low, really low but not in an out of control way… I feel like I’m coming to terms with the fact my life is never going to be more than this. Always going to be a haze of medication and instability mentally.
All this morbid and miserable thought got me thinking about what I’d like to say to everyone in my life if I ever lost control enough to end it all.
I thought I’d have amazing and profound things to say but I found myself thinking about in jokes and memories that I wanted people to remember in my absence, I thought about things I wanted at my funeral, like the songs and flowers. I thought about little gifts and trinkets I want to leave for everyone.
And all of this really got me thinking, is suicide always something that ‘out of control’ people do? People who feel like they’ve got no other option?
I feel in control now thinking about all the messages and instructions, I know I’ve got other options, I could make any number of phonecalls and have help instantly. But sometimes I think that death is the option I choose, because it’s what I want and I’ve made an informed decision.
In one of my favourite books, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Dumbledore says “After all, to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.” What if this is true? What if I choose death to be my next great adventure?
Does this mean I’m unhinged and my illness has won? Or does it mean in stronger and I’ve found a way to beat it and live another life?